Ever since I became a mother, I’ve felt — involuntarily, unconsciously, yet constantly, like a background browser tab left open — the presence of comparison.

I felt it deeply, personally, in those early days after my daughter was born, when the hormonal storm, postpartum pain, and the overwhelming panic of being the parent of a tiny human entirely dependent on me amplified everything I was feeling. During that time, when my self-esteem had completely abandoned me, I actively compared myself to other mothers — both those around me and the ones I followed online. I was firmly convinced that all of them, without exception, were doing better than I was. That they all knew how to take care of their babies better than I did. That breastfeeding, feeding, putting the baby to sleep, and all the other daily newborn care tasks were done by the book by other moms, while I was stuck worrying and doubting my abilities as a parent.

I admit, that period was emotionally overwhelming, and it took me months to find some sort of balance again. I’m sure most parents go through that emotional storm — especially with their first child. And when it comes to postpartum depression, I’m absolutely convinced we still don’t talk about it enough…

It took time to understand that the other mothers were probably going through similar things — in one way or another — and that the perfect parent simply doesn’t exist. Because we, as humans, are imperfect by nature. And that’s perfectly okay.

We’re all trying to learn and become better for our children. The only competition worth having is with ourselves — to be a better version than we were yesterday.

Reading many parenting books and even attending some courses gave me more confidence in my own resources as a new mom. Fortunately, I understood early on that an authentic relationship with your child — one based on mutual respect — is the key to successful parenting. The rest… we learn to let go of and move on.

But then, as my little one started to grow, comparison began to take a different form — more subtle, more indirect, you could say. We’d go to the park and I’d hear things like:

“When did your baby first roll over? Four months? Oh, mine was doing somersaults at two months!”

Or:

“Mine has been walking since 9 months — at 11 months he’s already running marathons!”

(I’m obviously exaggerating for effect, but you got the idea )

Once she started kindergarten, I’d hear:

“Wait, yours doesn’t speak two foreign languages already at age 3? Mine speaks both English and German!”

Or:

“I’m already practicing reading and basic math with mine.”

And now, at the age of six, I hear:

“She only does swimming? No other extracurriculars? Mine go to swimming, arithmetic, gymnastics, and dance.”

Trying not to let my perplexity show, I ask as empathetically as I can:
“Do they still have time for free play?”
But most parents answer that they can’t let their kids fall behind, that they have to keep up, and that they need to be good at something already — because otherwise it might be too late.

Thanks to the constant and conscious efforts I make to educate myself daily — and to heal the wounds of the past — I manage to keep some distance from these conversations without letting them affect or impress me too much. But I’ll be completely honest: it does take effort not to get caught up in this spiral of comparison that can easily pull you in without realizing it.

And it’s important to say that most parents genuinely have the best intentions.

They love their children deeply and want to give them the best possible start in life.

But they often get caught in this exhausting race to be “the best” — a race fueled by deep-rooted beliefs, fears, and social pressure that are incredibly hard to unlearn.

Often, this pull comes from our own beliefs or the emotional gaps we felt as children — the ones we now hope our children will never have to experience.

And yet… True connection, not competition, is what our kids really need. They just need us — real, present. Let’s not race ahead out of fear.

What has your experience been with comparison in parenting?

Drop a comment or share your thoughts — you never know who might feel less alone because of your words.

Thank you for being here.

Warm regards,

The Red Fairy

LEAVE A REPLY