Today I’ve decided to write about a sensitive and emotionally charged topic but I believe that bringing it to light might help many parents recognize patterns that could affect them or those very close to them.

In our relationships with other adults, we may sometimes realize that we are victims of emotional harm — or, more painfully, that we might have become the ones causing it, especially in the relationship with our children.
This article is about emotional and psychological abuse — what it looks like, how it feels, and why recognizing it can be the first step toward healing.

Before I go deeper, I want to make one important clarification: I am not a psychologist, therapist, or mental health professional. I have a deep respect for the years of study, research, and practice that professionals dedicate to understanding the human mind. My reflections are personal and experiential — born from my own healing journey and informed by reading, listening, and learning from specialists.

What I aim to offer here is not professional advice, but awareness — because emotional abuse is often so subtle that it hides behind the illusion of “normal conflicts,” “strong personalities,” or “emotional reactions.” Recognizing it can be the beginning of reclaiming your sense of self.

What Emotional Abuse Really Is

There isn’t one single universal definition of psychological abuse that applies identically across cultures and legal systems. However, experts generally agree that emotional abuse involves a pattern of behaviors intended to control, belittle, or harm another person emotionally.

As psychologist Dr. Diana Vasile beautifully explains in her book Anatomy of Trauma:

“When emotional or psychological aggression happens intensely, repeatedly, over a long time, and especially with the intention to make the other person suffer, we start talking about emotional or psychological abuse. Emotional abuse means playing with someone’s emotions, ensuring they suffer, manipulating them, or gaining benefits at their expense.”

Some of the most common forms of emotional abuse include:

• Gaslighting – Making the victim question their memory, perception, or sanity.

• Intimidation and threats – Creating an atmosphere of fear through verbal or nonverbal behaviors.

• Humiliation and devaluation – Attacking self-esteem through criticism, insults, or constant comparison.

• Isolation – Cutting off the person from friends and family.

• Excessive control – Monitoring calls, messages, or whereabouts.

• Emotional blackmail – Using guilt, fear, or love to manipulate another person’s behavior.

(Source: Canadian Women’s Foundation)

Where Emotional Abuse Can Occur

Emotional abuse isn’t confined to romantic relationships. It can manifest in:

• Couples – when one partner dominates or manipulates the other.

• Families – when parents, siblings, or other relatives use control or guilt to gain power.

• Workplaces – through bullying, humiliation, or psychological harassment.

• Online environments – via social media shaming, stalking, or verbal aggression.

But for many women, especially mothers, the deepest wounds are often inflicted in intimate relationships — where love and trust should have provided safety, not harm.

My Personal Story

This is the part that feels the hardest to write — because it’s the most personal. I’ve spoken about it only with my therapist and a close friend. But if my story can help even one person realize what emotional abuse looks like, it’s worth sharing.

In the beginning, my relationship with my daughter’s father seemed beautiful — full of love, laughter, and shared dreams. But after about a year, things started to shift. The arguments became more frequent, the emotional distance grew deeper, and moments of connection became rare. The atmosphere at home was tense, heavy, filled with unspoken fear and disappointment.

If you’ve ever gone through a painful breakup or divorce, you might recognize this pattern — misunderstandings, unhealed traumas from childhood, postnatal depression, and a growing sense that love isn’t enough anymore.

But what truly destroyed our relationship wasn’t just incompatibility or exhaustion. It was something more insidious — something I only learned to name much later, in therapy: emotional abuse.

Writing this now — naming it — still makes my heart beat faster. Because for years, I thought it was just “a difficult relationship.” But emotional abuse had been there all along, disguised as concern, humor, or even love.

It showed up every time I was made to feel small, guilty, wrong, ashamed, or afraid.
It lived in every moment I doubted my worth or apologized for simply existing.

He made me believe that I was the problem. That I was “too sensitive,” “too dramatic,” “never enough.” That everyone could see what a pathetic person I was.

And the worst part? After hearing those words again and again, I started to believe them.

Sign Of The Emotional Abuse

Here are some of the behaviors I later recognized — maybe you will, too:

They make you feel ashamed by:

• Lecturing you endlessly about your flaws, positioning themselves as superior.

• Outbursts of anger when their wishes aren’t met — teaching you to walk on eggshells.

• Lies and distortion of facts, making you doubt your own version of events.

• Blaming you for everything, never taking responsibility for their actions.

• Minimizing your feelings — calling your pain “exaggeration” or “nonsense.”

They make you feel guilty by:

• Reversing roles, portraying themselves as victims of your reactions.

• Provoking anger and then punishing you for expressing it.

• Denying facts, making you question your memory.

• Behaving differently in public, showing a charming, calm face while demeaning you in private.

• Disregarding your needs and achievements, leaving you invisible and unheard.

When I finally read lists like these, I remember sitting still for minutes, feeling both relief and heartbreak. Relief — because I finally understood that I wasn’t crazy or broken. Heartbreak — because I realized how deeply I had been hurt.

How Emotional Abuse Impacts Mothers

Emotional abuse doesn’t end when the relationship ends. Its echoes linger — in your self-worth, your confidence, and even in how you parent.

As mothers, we often carry an enormous emotional load. We want to be calm, patient, loving — but when we’ve lived in fear or shame for years, our nervous system remains on high alert. We react instead of responding. We question our instincts.

Many mothers emerging from abusive relationships struggle with self-doubt:
“Am I doing enough for my child?”
“Am I repeating the same patterns?”
“Am I too damaged to give love in a healthy way?”

When you start learning what healthy love looks like, your child learns it too.

How To Heal From Emotional Abuse

Healing from emotional abuse is not a straight line. It’s a journey filled with setbacks, small victories, and profound discoveries about yourself.

Here’s what has helped me — and what might help you too:

1. Educate Yourself

Understanding emotional abuse gives you clarity. Learn about manipulation, trauma bonding, and gaslighting. The more you know, the less power the past has over you.

2. Seek Professional Help

Therapy can be life-changing. A counselor helps you untangle patterns, regulate emotions, and rebuild your self-esteem. It’s not weakness — it’s self-respect.

3. Reconnect With Yourself

Abuse disconnects you from your inner voice. Start small — journaling, walks in nature, creative hobbies, meditation. You’ll start hearing your intuition again.

4. Set Boundaries

Boundaries are not walls. They are doors with locks — you decide who gets in and under what conditions. Learn to say “no” without guilt.

5. Build a Support Network

Surround yourself with people who make you feel safe, not drained. Talk to other mothers who understand. Community heals.

6. Be Kind to Yourself

You’ve survived something painful. Healing requires patience. Some days you’ll feel strong, others broken — both are part of the process.

Breaking the Cycle

As parents, our healing has a ripple effect. Every step we take toward self-awareness transforms not only our lives but our children’s lives too.

When you begin to recognize manipulation, shame, and control for what they are, you start parenting differently — with empathy, respect, and emotional honesty.
You teach your child that love does not hurt, that kindness is not weakness, and that they never have to shrink to be loved.

You show them that healing is possible.

Final Thoughts

Writing this has been both painful and freeing. Emotional abuse hides in the shadows of silence. But every time one of us speaks about it, a little bit of light enters those shadows.

If this article resonates with you, please know: you are not alone.
You are not broken. You are not unworthy of love. You are healing — slowly, bravely, beautifully.

And if you ever doubt it, look into your child’s eyes. You’ll see there the reflection of the strong, loving, resilient person you already are.
If this story moved you or made you reflect, I’d love to hear from you — share your thoughts or your own experiences in the comments or on my website. Together, we can bring more awareness, compassion, and healing into the lives of parents everywhere.

Thank you for reading 💛

The Red Fairy

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